Big Decisions

After our foster daughter left our home we were heartbroken.  Loosing a child that isn't your own is a...... unique experience.  We were strong for her and put the experience in a light she could understand by saying things like - So many people love you so much that you get to take turns living with them.  We also talked to her about how lucky she was to have so many safe, loving, adults in her life.  Still, reading her the last night time stories, and tucking her into bed for the last time was really, really hard.  She didn't understand what tomorrow would bring, and truthfully, neither did I! 

We drove her to her new home and helped her get acquainted.  She showed us her new room and we met all their pets.  It turns out that handing off a child you had really hoped to adopt, and sending her with people you don't know so you don't trust, (and truthfully I wasn't very confident in their abilities) is a really awkward situation.  It consists of saying things like "you can call anytime" while exchange phone numbers.  Then you take a minute to teach them about how Facetime works - even though you all know you won't be calling often.  It also includes a lot of internal thoughts like when they show you her new room and you think"wow, I would never decorate like this!"  But then as they are introducing you to all her new pet horses and you see her face light up  there is a glimmer of hope.

They can offer her somethings that I never could - like several pet horses!  I remember that there is something about horses that is very healing and good for the soul.  They are healing and help with trauma.  I saw her new dad excited to get to hold her and it helped calm my nerves a bit.  We unload the car seat, and her 3 bags of possessions and drove away holding hands in an extremely quiet car.

Then things eerily went right back to the way they were - We were able to sleep 8+ hours on the weekends, we could just pick up and go to a movie on a whim.  We could schedule weekend getaways.  It was odd, but the ease of being childfree was much more appreciated than before!  We won't be doing foster care again for awhile, because letting her go was really, REALLY hard.