Dec 14, 2010

sorry for the personal rant

An eating disorder is a hard thing to deal with.  Especially when you've been doing so good for so long.  All I want is to be skinnier.  And I mean that is pretty much ALL I want.  Plenty of people have that goal and achieve it.  But somehow I end up having to fight my mind all the time.  I know I should not get a stomach ache after every meal, I know eating two graham crackers is not any amount of food that will make me so stuffed and feel like I should skip dinner.  And I'm constantly thinking these things and then counteracting them to how I know I should be thinking.  It's a good thing I have my appointments today.  Last night my overweight roommate proudly announced her weight, which happens to be only two pounds heavier than my weight.  This reminded me, of course, that I too am overweight.  She doesn't know this and she doesn't know the effect/competition this creates in my mind, but it sent me into a panic attack.  I don't want to look the way she looks.  I never used to look like this.  I had control of my weight.  I had to stop myself from going to the gym at 11 pm when I had already been once yesterday.  Usually my eating disorder is so fixated on my appearance and mean to myself, I don't judge others on their weight - just myself.  But not last night.  I cried myself to sleep, even though I knew I was being unreasonable.  And after only two hours of sleep I woke up and was awake for about 4 hours.  I wish I was at home asleep in bed, but instead I woke up and ate a bowl of cereal and packed a lunch for work.  And that my friends is where I can see how far I've come.  My eating disorder tells me to fast today, so I can be skinnier than my roommate - so I eat.  My success right now has be measured in those triumphs and not in the number on the scale.  I'm going to try to continue to trust my nutritionist and my counselor when they tell me my weight is not spiraling out of control as I feel it is.  I am more than a number on a scale, I hope other people know they are to!