Update

Well I have just returned from my nutritionist after a very long, exhausting, day which also included a trip to my eating disorder counselor.  They both gave me permission to go on a diet if I want.  And you know what I believe them - but I don't really want to go back to obsessing over every piece of food I eat and then about how I'm going to negate the consequences of it!  Highlights/good things to know that I learned from my medical professionals today (and agree with):

1. Dieters are not fun to be around, they only know how to talk about their diets!  And because most people can't maintain a diets regimen they gain back what was lost plus an average of 5-10% more (which is how I got where I am - surprise)

2.  It's ok to feel and honor my emotions and I'm supposed to let people know that if I'm sad they don't have to try and make me happy I don't need to be fixed, but I need to not let my emotions dictate my actions.  (Which my counselor said I'm very good at being rational ie: I didn't go to the gym twice yesterday)

3.  I need to keep doing my positive affirmations and emotional check in's in my journal every day which I have not been doing.  These are the most helpful things!  You should try them:  Once a day before you go to bed you have to write down 5 things you like about yourself.  2 of them have to be physical traits.  Three times a day (at every meal for me since I handle emotions with food) you have to fill-in the blanks

"I feel _______ when__________ because___________.  Therefore:"  Here is an example

"I feel annoyed when my roommate does not do her dishes because it makes our apartment stink.  Therefore, I will not spend very much time at my apartment."

4.  Don't weigh myself!  (they tell me this every time, and every time I haven't stopped.  My nutritionist weights me each visit but I never get to see the number).  

5.  When I feel out of control (because I'm kinda a control/planning freak) I try to gain back control using my food and exercise.  Because it only effects me and I have complete control.  So my counselor and I talked about what I don't have control over in my life right now and she said I'm right.  I have every reason to be scared about that thing.  But we also decided the only solution I'm ok with is to give up that control and just wait and see what happens.

6.  Let see... anything else?  I feel a lot better.  They both said I need to give myself more credit and that the fact I haven't binged or purged in months is so great and my nutritionist even told me my weight is down from what I thought it was!  (No exact numbers but I'm not in the 150's any more which is hard to be excited about when I got "In trouble" for weighing myself but I'm trying to resist the urge to weigh myself and I don't have a full length mirror in my house which has made picking out outfits boring but a much more pleasant experience.

I may start going to the eating disorder group again - but it's a 4 month commitment and it's sometimes really hard to be around girls every week who are so far into their eating disorders when I'm so far out of mine.  In truth I need my counselors sometimes, but mostly I love gaining the experience and knowledge.  I really would love to work with people who have eating disorders some day.  But I've been told it's really hard because a lot of them don't get better.  If you're still reading this thanks for caring and I'm sorry for bringing you into my little struggle, I know we all have enough of our own! :)