Sep 12, 2011

Random Thoughts

Sometimes I still can't believe I'm actually married.  Like it was a dream, and I wanted it so bad, but I'm still waiting for it to happen.  Probably because I've spent most of my adult life longing to be loved but truly believing it wouldn't happen for me.

Yesterday Zeb and I were sitting on our couch watching football and writing thank you notes and I kept feeling like a roommate would walk in at any moment and ruin our perfect afternoon.  But no one did, because we don't have roommates!  Then I was just thinking about how weird it was that it's just Zeb and I and how easy it would be to lock myself away from the world without "roommates" and how I need to be proactive about getting out with friends and leaving Zeb every once in a while.  Partly for me but also so I don't get to be annoying to him.  That's my fear and stress these days.  For some reason I've put a lot of pressure on myself to be "perfect" in cleaning and getting ready and cooking because I don't want Zeb to regret marrying me.  It's weird the way Ed (eating disorder) attacks you.  Just when you overcome one stress he hits you with another one.  Lucky I have a husband who is extra re-assuring and even went to my counselor with me this week because I wanted him to meet her and her to meet him and for Zeb to have an idea of where I go and what its like and the things she tells me.  She explains things so much better than I do.  Maybe I'll go see her again soon; but without Zeb this time....

For those of you who have been married.... did you ever feel an intense pressure to be perfect when you were a newly wed because you were worried your husband wouldn't like being married to you?  Is this a normal feeling everyone works through - or am I being a bit crazy?