Weekly weigh in

Well, this is embarrassing.  I almost didn't write about it, but I think I should.  I need to own up to my choices.  This week I weighed in at exactly my same starting weight.  7 weeks later and I'm right back at the start - lost 4 pounds, gained 4 pounds.  I haven't even earned my 5lb weight loss sticker!

It made me really sad at first, but I know the reasons why, and I'm coming up with a game plan to counter them.  I don't know why it's so hard for me to loose weight or why I sabotage myself.

In truth I'm not sure if I really want to loose the weight in the first place or if I just feel like I should to fit in and been seen as "healthy"

I don't want to loose weight so I can be more beautiful.  I already feel beautiful.

I want to loose weight so I can have a baby without gaining even more weight.

I want to loose weight so I have more energy and am healthier, I sleep better when I'm lighter.

I want to loose weight so clothes shopping is more fun.

I want to learn to eat and enjoy healthy food so I can teach my kids to enjoy and eat healthy food.

I want to be a success at my life long goal.

I'm scared as soon as I get their I'll just put it all back on again, like I have every time I've lost it before.

One of my main pitfalls has been the candy desk on my neighbors work station that she fills with mini twix, snickers, pay days, baby ruth's.  And it's not like once we've (the entire accounting department) eaten it it's gone, no, she refills it EVERY SINGLE MORNING!  I've tried a thousand ways to counter this.  I've finally gone on to the "brownie challenge" my nutritionist had me do.  That is eat some, with every single meal, at every single snack.  Eventually (like within the week) I learned I could eat them all the time, and even got sick of them.  That way, when I walk past the candy bowl I don't think "I have to eat that now cause it' won't be there later" and instead think, hum... I don't think I want any more, I've had my fill.

I know you might not understand that, and I know it partially accounts for the weight gain in the past 3 weeks.  But sheer will power wasn't working, and I can't get rid of the candy bowl.  So I need to learn to live with it there and it needs to loose its appeal.

The other really hard thing is the cafeteria at work.  At first I thought I could make good choices out of all the food they offer.  But then I realized - it's still fast food.  And I just can't eat that every single day. I asked for the nutrition information and have found that every meal is around 700 -800 calories.  I can't spend that amount on lunch!  So I've been bringing my own lunch and eating outside in the grass or at my desk.  This is empowering.  But I have learned I need to make my lunch the night before because when I'm running late in the morning it's too easy to say "oh well, I'll just eat work's lunch today"

So that's my goal for this week.  I'll let you know how it goes!