From the Heart

Did I ever tell you about the time I ate a donut with my eating disorder counselor during one of our sessions?  Not the usual thing to do while in eating disorder counseling.  I think that was the day she graduated me and I really knew she trusted me.

It was a weird day.  They were going to be having a fire drill in the middle of our session so we decided to have our session outside so as to not have to participate.  So we chatted for awhile and then some lady came and kicked us off the picnic table we were sitting at because they were setting up a table of donuts to give the staff members during the fire drill.  We were annoyed but the little brat was persistent so we moved over to the grass.  The lady felt bad and offered us donuts.  We declined.  But at the end of our session they were smelling really good so we both went over and had one.  If this is no big deal to you, let me tell you that donuts are my FAVORITE junk food.  They are also  probably the most unhealthy thing you can eat, and for someone with a binging tendancy to be able to stop eating your favorite comfort food when you're in a stresful siituation is a big deal.  Let alone not freaking out and punishing youself for eating such a horrible food. 

I was thinking about that tonight and about how far I have come and how good I have been with my food and that I can be trusted with food.  I won't starve myself and I won't over eat (all the time) and that is a happy place for me to be.  I even enjoy veggies now and again. 

I had a good session tonight.  I wanted to cry.  I always want to cry these days - because I'm so freaking stressed out, and tired, and sick, all the time.  But I don't want anyone to see me cry because I don't want them to think it has anything to do with my upcoming marriage - it doesn't - but it has everything to do with planning my wedding.  I can't wait for this to be over so life can go back to the way it was.  I really really really need a break.  but there will be no rest for this weary girl!  Nope - not one moment.  You think I'm exaggerating?  Just ask my about my daily schedule and to do list for the next three weeks!