Jul 19, 2011

Let me share with a few of my thoughts and be real with you today.  This might be long, I'll try to throw some pictures in:

I haven't wanted to write too much about my wedding on my blog, or on facebook, or in general.  Why?  Am I not excited?  Do I not have anything to say?  Not true!  There is so much to say and so much to be excited and scared about and to do.  The reason is because when I was 25 and single and all my 20 year old friends and cousins were getting married their planning and excitement caused me hurt and pain.  I wouldn't go to bridal showers or receptions because I would cry the whole drive there and then have to pretend to be happy while sitting with my grandma at a table who would inevitably go back to her staple comment to me which is "Wow, sometimes we wonder why the lord is taking so long to answer our prayers!?!  I wonder when it will be your turn" At which point I would try not to burst into some horrible comment or tears and hold them in until the drive home when I would inevitably call my mom and have a horribly mean conversation about how I hated everyone - especially the happy couple and people who tried to comment on my singleness.  There was always a lot of swearing in these conversations.  (I only swear when my feeling are really hurt - that way it seems more like anger and less like pain.  I knew Zeb really knew and loved me when he commented on just that one day.  I thought I was hiding my hurt so well - and I think I do to everyone but those who REALLY know me)  So you see - I just don't want my happiness to be the source of pain for other people!  This is the very reason we decided not to have any sort of bouquet toss or garter toss at any receptions.  That was a horribly awkward and painful time for both of us!

But I am really so happy!  Happier than I have ever been in my whole life.  I've been going to my counselors who are really proud of me for not focusing my wedding stress on myself and my weight or taking up binging again to handle the stress of the wedding.  I've been able to focus the stress on where it belongs and not internalize it and focus in on myself or my weight.  This has been really hard, but I'm doing it.  My new reaction to stress however has been IBS.  It's horrible (with a nice side affect of weight loss)  I'm lucky if I can keep the food I eat in my for more than an hour.  Sorry if I've left you alone at a table at a restaurant or been afraid to drive more than 5 minutes after a meal for fear I might need a restroom.  I'm very happy with my decision to get a lace up dress so I'm not worried about if I can still fit into it.  I'm focusing on whitening my teeth and what color my hair should be and when I should schedule my facials.  I've been taking thing one day at a time so that the time will fly by.  We are at three and a half weeks until the big day!  It seems like we've got just about everything planned but then I find so much more to do!  Thank you for all the love and support.  If my trying not to rub my happiness in your face comes off as maybe I'm not ubber happy and love struck and mushy - don't worry about me, I'm all those things, on top of super proud of myself and the decisions I'm making and the direction my life is going. If you can't be happy for me that I'm getting married, maybe you can at least be proud of me as well.