Perhaps only a handful of people truly understood the depths of my loneliness. Brianna, Camille, Karli, Paige, Jennifer, my parents, and God. The loneliness caused by a longing that is always tugging at the back of your heart but only really comes out in full force late a night. It hits you with such power that there is nothing you can do but curl up in a ball on the cold floor and yell at God with tears streaming down your face. That's when you truly realize that you are helpless to create your own dreams. There are goals in this life that we can obtain and goals in this life that are out of our power to reach.
Perhaps my loneliness was magnified by the fact that, not only could I not reach my goal to start my own family, but my family, my best friends; I had left behind in Oregon. I was alone. And while my family did the best to keep close through the distance I knew how truly alone I was. This loneliness got even deeper when I somehow convinced myself that if God was the one who could help me find my future husband, and he was not helping me, so he must be far from me as well. That was when the loneliness got even deeper.
The depression hit like a sand storm. I think I knew it was coming for some time, it was in the distance, but I just kept on living my life pretending it wasn’t looming in my near future. When it did hit, it was all consuming. It was hard to breath, hard to see, hard to move. It completely surrounded me and obscured my view of any happy future. It created a hopelessness so complete I wanted to give up.
I wish I could say that was when I found Zeb. It probably would have been had I not turned away from God, convinced that he hated me. In fact at the time, we were both living in the Raintree Apartments in Provo. But instead I called my parents. I knew I needed help, I knew I was past the point of being able to help myself. I told them I needed to come home. And if they didn’t want to come to Utah to help me drive my possessions back to Oregon I would drive myself home in two weeks. My mom came and helped pack me up and we drove home in my leaky convertible. On the way we were forced to stop due to a sand storm in the small town of Burley, Idaho where a nice man helped me put on new Windshield wipers. I remember it very vividly. Little did I know that town would be come one of my second homes.
Going home to Oregon was the right decision for me. I was able to mend my broken heart and feel a part of a family, my family. I was able to get closer to my youngest brother before he left on his mission. After about a year of working out of the sandstorm of depression and anxiety I was driving to work when I heard my spirit whisper in my ear “It’s time, if you want to go back, you can now.” Two weeks later I had moved back to Utah.
I wish, again, I could say that was when I met Zeb; but it wasn’t. For the next two years I played, I grew in confidence, I learned to be happy, and I learned to love myself deeply – even if I was the only one who knew how loveable I was. When I had learned that, when I truly loved myself as I was, I found Zeb. Or rather, Zeb found me.
I truly believe we will all have to go through something like this in our lives. To have a truly righteous desire, something we want more than anything in the world, but we are not able to get for ourselves. In these times we learn more than we could ever learn if we were given what we wanted when we wanted it (even though it hurts so baldy). Then, when we are finally blessed with our deepest desire, we appreciate it forever, and get a glimpse into the goodness of God that we could have never know otherwise.